The 15 Best Cover Songs
The general consensus of the population when they hear someone cover their favourite artist sounds something like: How could you? This doesn’t even touch the original. Just go home. Stop trying to ruin this for me. SET YOURSELF ON FIRE!
By general population, I guess I meant “enraged arsonists,” but oh bother, you get the point.
While I agree some covers are truly awful, cover songs are a great way for musicians to pay homage to another artist while taking their own personal spin on the song. Why, if it weren’t for cover songs, we wouldn’t have these gems…
15) “Jolene” covered by The White Stripes
The song “Jolene” was originally performed by Dolly Parton, and although country music from the 1970s was pretty cheesy, the song always struck a soft spot for me. Hearing Miss Parton belt her heart out about a woman who was probably eye-fucking her husband makes it one of the most vulnerable and sincerest songs out there.
Many renditions of “Jolene” exist, but my personal favourite has to be The White Stripes version. I have a theory that Jack White has King Midas’s hands because everything he touches can turn to gold. The emotional way he handles singing the song is very… erotic? I don’t know; something about how he is really begging for Jolene not to take his man makes me feel all tingly inside.
14) “Across the Universe” covered by Fiona Apple
Yes, I don’t like The Beatles. Yes, go ahead and tell me a list of 101 reasons why you love them, and we’ll just come to the agreement that 1) I don’t have to like them and 2) George Harrison is one hell of a fox. That I will most definitely agree on.
Even Eric Clapton’s wife can’t resist that sensual smolder.
Dear reader, hopefully I amended any discord between us with that clever photo caption. I try to please everyone on this blog even you Beatle lovers. I understand the strife you endure when you hear Target commercials featuring crappy Beatle covers done by poorly trained pop singers, but trust me when I say that Fiona Apple’s cover of “Across the Universe” is exceptionally superb.
13) “Immigrant Song” covered by Karen O
“Immigrant Song” is so sexy, and I’m pretty sure 78% of people born in 1971 were conceived because of that song. I feel like immaculate conception could even be possible from listening to that guitar rift alone. Basically, Led Zeppelin is really fucking good. That’s the point I’m trying to make.
Their awesomeness makes the idea of a Led Zeppelin cover song sounds kind of gross to even imagine. If you’re not Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, or John Bonham, then don’t even bother.
Trent Reznor hears this statement and breaks in my wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Of course, ballsy Trent Reznor was scoring the soundtrack for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and defied expectations by recording an industrial, haunting track of Karen O covering “Immigrant Song.” You’ll always remember that first love, but the new feeling you get your second time around is pretty undeniable too.
12) “Skinny Love” covered by Birdy
Now if you thought I sounded like a pretentious d-bag when I said I didn’t like The Beatles, then you’ll have to get over the fact that I don’t really care for Bon Iver that much either. In fact, I rarely hear his music, and when I do hear a song from him, I’m not really that interested in it.
When I found out about an artist named Birdy, however, I became very intrigued by her cover of “Skinny Love.” For one thing, this girl is only 14-years-old and has the voice of an angel. She doesn’t sound like some teenager doing an amateur cover on a TV show competition; she made the song her own. Maybe that’s why it went on to be certified six times platinum.
11) “Mad World” covered by Gary Jules
During the European new wave craze of the ’80s, bands like Depeche Mode and The Cure were all the rage. With gothic lyrics and the accompaniment of synthesizers, the song “Mad World” became the first international hit by the band Tears for Fears. 
My angsty self can’t live in a world with all these ducks! This world is… mad.
A stand-out song on the soundtrack of Donnie Darko was Gary Jules’s cover of “Mad World.” Like Birdy in the previous entry, Jules broken down the song with his eerie piano playing, some strings, and his stellar voice. Hardcore Tears for Fears fans will always stand by the original, but even they have to admit that the Gary Jules version fits the movie like a glove.
I know that it’s pretty much my theme song for when I follow teenage boys around in my rabbit suit.
10) “Love is Blindness” covered by Jack White
Achtung Baby is an U2 album mostly known for their breakthrough song “One.” The last track on the album though is titled “Love is Blindness” and deals with the idea of a failing romance. The Edge snapped several guitar strings during the recording of it, probably because the poor guy had recently separated from his wife and the song’s theme didn’t help his with his state of mind.
An even more emotional take of the song is brought to us by none other than King Midas himself— Jack White. His cover showcases his signature guitar screeches and his compelling voice. It’s utterly perfect for The Great Gatsby soundtrack or Leonardo DiCaprio’s favourite shower song for when he feels extra melancholy over not having an Oscar.
9) “Dead Souls” covered by Nine Inch Nails
Joy Division was a English band that was active during the late ’70s and produced songs that were very influenced by the punk-rock movement. Their song “Dead Souls” definitely a highlight of the band’s short career.
I’ve mentioned before how The Crow boasts one of the best soundtracks of all time. This is not obviously opinion, and pretty much a basic fact even infants are born with. The album is mainly an array of cover songs, including the Nine Inch Nails cover of “Dead Souls.” Trent Reznor belting out “THEY KEEP CALLING ME” sends shivers down the spine.
8) “Hurt” covered by Johnny Cash
This will be the third time I’ve made an entry on this blog post relating to Trent Reznor, so you’re aware by now that I think he’s pretty awesome at music. The Downward Spiral is a Nine Inch Nails album that eludes to suicidal tendencies, and in the midst comes a slow tune of despair and addiction called “Hurt.”
Well, if Trent Reznor knew hurt, Johnny Cash was well versed in the concept. Equipped with seven decades of darkness, Cash covered “Hurt” with all the passion he had left in him. Let’s be honest, if there was a recording of him singing the entire Grapes of Wrath novel, millions of people would still buy it. All 80 CDs of it.
#JohnnyCashSwag
7) “Sliver” covered by Dead Sara
I can’t think of anything more original than the band Nirvana. On their album Incesticide, Nirvana debuted a compilation of higher quality versions of old demo songs, including “Sliver.” The music video features Francis Bean Cobain as a floating baby.
Hailing from Los Angeles, Dead Sara blends a combination of hard rock and grunge to produce their raw signature sound. Dave Grohl commented that Dead Sara “should be the next biggest rock band in the world.” With testament from Grohl and this cover of “Sliver,” I don’t think you need any more evidential proof.
6) “Hallelujah” covered by Jeff Buckley
Leonard Cohen is often cited as one of the most influential singer/songwriters, and it’s no surprise that his song “Hallelujah” has about 300 cover versions. Here’s a dude that wrote about 80 drafts for one song, driving him to the point of sitting on the floor in his underwear and banging his head on the floor. For me, I just call those Thursdays.
With so many covers of the song, it’s hard to choose. But then again, if you’re familiar with the Jeff Buckley cover, it’s no competition.
5) “Goodbye Kiss” covered by Lana Del Rey
Kasabian is a British indie rock band that fuses old school rock with strong contemporary vision. On their 2011 album Velociraptor!, you can hear the brilliant song “Goodbye Kiss.”
Saying that I kind of like Lana Del Rey is like saying that I kind of like breathing. Basically, to put this in middle school terms, she’s the bomb dot com. Lana Del Rey has been my main music selection for about a year straight. If you think I’m crazy fool and that she can’t sing, watch this damn video.
4) “Higher Ground” covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Wrote in a three-hour burst of creativity, “Higher Groud” was a chart-topping song by Stevie Wonder. It was recorded right before Wonder got in a near-fatal accident, and during his recovery, his manager sang the melody to the song, and Wonder responded by moving his fingers.
On the album Mother’s Milk, The Red Hot Chili Peppers recorded their own funky version of the song. Upon hearing their rendition, it’s hard to imagine the song without the presence of Flea’s magnetic bassline, Frusciante’s guitar rifts, and the chesty-pumping chorus.
3) “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” covered by The Like
In the 1960s, The Shirelles were the first girl group to top the Billboard Hot 100. With bomb-ass hairdos and lyrics that subtly hinted about sex, The Shirelles could do no wrong. Hands down, their song “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” is one of the best songs ever created. If you can gain anything from reading this blog, it’s that little piece of information.
Beyonce ain’t got nothing on us.
With that stated, The Like’s cover of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” is the best thing on this fuckin planet. No wait, solar system. You tell me four those young women—two clapping, one playing acoustic guitar, and the other playing violin—doesn’t equate to the most beautiful cover song then you can… leave the solar system.
2) “The Man Who Sold the World” covered by Nirvana
As much as I love David Bowie, it pains me to say that I don’t particularly care for his song “The Man Who Sold the World.” Of course, it being written by Bowie means the lyrical content is absolutely magnificent, but the actual instrumentals on the recording leave much to be desired.
It’s not until its stripped down in an acoustic performance by Nirvana, in my opinion, does the song reach its full potential. Just the way Kurt Cobain sings that song. Ugh, the feels.
David Bowie had a lot of feeling about the Nirvana version too, because after he performed the song, he commented, “When kids that come up afterwards and say, ‘It’s cool you’re doing a Nirvana song.’ And I think, ‘Fuck you, you little tosser!’”
1) “Masters of War” covered by Pearl Jam
(First of all, those bastards at Youtube not only took down the music video for RHCP’s “Higher Ground,” but they also have no Bob Dylan original recordings of “Master of War.”)
Using a melody from an old English folk song, Bob Dylan wrote “Masters of War” in protest to the Cold War arms race. Assertive and blunt, the song remains one of the harshest songs written about pacifism.
I didn’t know about “Masters of War” until my high-school teacher belted it out in front of government class for an assignment about protest songs. Although, this is a dude had Pearl Jam posters on the classroom walls and had a closet full of flannel, so being the fan that he was, he sang the Pearl Jam version. Every time I hear Eddie Veddie emotionally sing, “You ain’t worth the blood/That runs in your veins,” I get the notion that this is the greatest cover of all time.
My 20 Most Unrealistic Birthday Wishes
20) Dress up like Gogo from Kill Bill and follow Lucy Liu around while laughing in a creepy girlish way.
Feel the wrath of my balls of steel! *school girl giggle*
19) Own a typewriter that has rainbow colored ink.
It would make even the shittiest of writing look magnificent as nyan cat and Anderson Cooper combined.
18) Get recognized for my wit and perform with The Second City in order to become the next Tina Fey.
Listen, I’m not saying I’m the funniest person to ever exist, but I definitely think I could give people good feelings where it counts— their genitals laugh box.
17) Find an coupon on the ground that ensures me of an endless supply of frozen yogurt.
I don’t think this one needs any explanation. Frozen yogurt is the shit.
16) Receive my very own two-liter of Orange Soda from the hands of Kenan & Kel.
I’m a child of the ’90s; therefore, I understood the euphoric effects Orange Soda. I don’t even drink soda, but having Kenan and Kel hand over my very own bottle of Orange Soda would fulfill my childhood on so many levels.
15) Basically live my life like Tom Hanks in Big.
Seriously, Tom Hanks gets away with so much shit in that movie. Who doesn’t want to be trapped inside an adult body with the mind of a kid all because a fortune telling bitch machine took your wish literally? Okay, on second thought…
14) A mysterious individual decides that their rare collection of vinyls is no longer of use to them and bestows them upon me.
I begged my mom for a record player for my 19th birthday, and although I still need to buy a receiver for it, I have been collecting records in the process. Soundtrack to Reservoir Dogs on vinyl? Got it.
However, I feel like Ariel in The Little Mermaid because my collection is nowhere near complete, and having someone hand over mass amounts of records would be one of the coolest things to ever happen me.
13) Immediately gain the acting chops of Daniel-Day Lewis and go to town.
There are few beings on earth that I think are finer than Daniel-Day Lewis. When I can actually think of someone, I’ll get back to you. Utter sex appeal aside, Daniel-Day Lewis is probably the best actor alive right now (but just imagine what an acting contest that would be if he and a dead Clark Gable duked it out) .
If I could gain the acting skills DDL possessed, I’d abuse my powers in so many unnecessary ways.
Mom: I want milk for my cereal. Okay, who drank all the milk?
Me (intimidating): I drink your cereal milk!
Mom: You did?
Me (powerfully): I drink it upppppppp!
Mom: Are you okay?
Me: DRAAAIIINNNNAGE! Drainage. Drained dry.
Mom: …
End scene.
12) Jim Morrison comes to me in my dream and tells me to create my own music festival entitled— Elizastock.
Of course Wayne, Garth, and Aerosmith are invited to this event.
11) Some hottie in a leather jacket is eating an apple seductively while looking over at me…
Suddenly he starts choking. His greaser friends shout, “Quick! Somebody help Johnny!” I rush over and perform the Heimlich maneuver. His friends start chanting, “Do it for Johnny! Do it for Johnny!” Johnny regains his breath and whisks me away on his motorcycle as the Top Gun song, “Take My Breath Away” plays softly in the background.
10) Have a professor with the last name Plum, so I can make countless amounts of Clue references.
Ummm… Professor Plum, are we going to the library today? If we are, it will be a total wrench in my side.
9) Get treated nicely by the workers at the BMV.
Remember that time when the people who work at the BMV were nice to you? Me either.
8) Ballroom dance with David Bowie
In case I need to remind you that David Bowie is the suavest motherfucker on the planet, here’s your reminder: David Bowie is the suavest motherfucker on the planet.
The moment David Bowie affected my ovaries the most was when he danced with a 16-year-old Jennifer Connelly in the movie Labyrinth. Well, stand aside Jennifer because my birthday wish is to take your place in Bowie’s arms. Let’s dance.
7) Be Lana Del Rey for a day.
Nothing captivates me quite like retro looks and a smoky contralto voice. Say what you want about Lana Del Rey, but she’s currently one of my favourite artists. Her songs evoke sadness mixed with daddy issues toppled off by Priscilla Presley glamour. If I could be Lana Del Rey for a day, I’d sulk around on the beach while wearing my best sundress and tempt all the boys with my long lashes. The only downside to being Lana Del Rey would be all that teasing and hairspray.
6) Swim in a vault full of mashed potatoes.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the sheer beauty of swimming in mashed potatoes as a birthday celebration.
5) Rage at a party with Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bill Nye was the epitome of my childhood education. My memory gets fuzzy when it comes to what I was tested over in 6th grade, but you bet your sweet ass I remember video days of Bill Nye the science guy. If I could party with him, I’d get drunk while chatting about buoyancy and electricity. And then we’d create some friction with our dancing. Yes, I went there.
4) Gain the power of telekinesis.
With me being the aforementioned ’90s child and all, I grew up reading Roald Dahl’s Matilda and seeing the movie, in which a young girl flies her breakfast food around the room. If I had the power of telekinesis, I’d never get up from the couch again. Anyone could try to stop me, but I’d have you know that I could just fling a human being across the room. With my mind.
3) Learn how to snap my fingers.
This may seem like a silly thing to have rated so high on my list, but you have got to understand that I have never been able to snap my fingers in my entire life. Painfully, during any sort of music class when I was growing up, I was forced to fake snap like a fucking loser. All the cool jazzy people could snap all damn day. I could clap as consolation, but that doesn’t nearly equate. Do I sound bitter? ‘Cus I totally am.
2) Have Pearl Jam show up on my doorstep.
I hop out of bed looking movie star ready on my birthday. Just kidding. I’m totally sickly pale from the absence of make up, wearing yoga pants, and an embarrassingly over-sized shirt from high school. I walk down the stairs only to abruptly stop after hearing a knock on the door. I open the door and standing on my front step is Pearl Jam.
Eddie Vedder: Hello, we are—-
Me [crying]: PEARL JAMMMM. PEARL JAM IS HERE!
Mike McCready: Well, yes. For some unknown reason, we were beckoned here to this front door step with the sole purpose to serenade a birthday girl.
Me: Oh, she’s one lucky girl. Hey, wait a second! Today is my birthday. You guys are going to play for me?
Stone Gosshard: No, we’re just going to stand here and stare at you. Of course, we’re going to play for you.
(musical instruments appear out of nowhere)
Eddie Vedder: Any request?
Me [whispers]: All of them.
Jeff Ament: …
Me: Fine! Um… “Jeremy” but replace it with my name. Shit! NO. Ummm… “Daughter” but replace it with my name. Grhhghgh. Just play “Unthought Known.”
This concludes the end of my segment that may be described as Pearl Jam fan-fiction too close for my own comfort.
1) Travel back in time to the 1960s and be a Rock N’ Roll girlfriend.
I like historical films, don’t get me wrong. But in most cases if someone were to ask me if I would want to travel back in time, I’d say a big no thanks. Why? Because as James Brown sang, it’s a man world. Basically, being a lady of the past would suck big hairy monkey balls.
But what if I could be in the same inner circle as Robert Plant? Jim Morrison? Keith Richards? (hint: pregnancy)
I envy girls who ruled the 1960s rock scene with their big hair, dough eyes, and mini skirts. Take no further look than my inspiration, Priscilla Presley. She was Elvis’s wife and a full-fledged hottie.
Sadly, I look at this image wearing the yoga pants Pearl Jam saw me in. I will never be as glam as Priscilla.
The 15 Perfect On-Screen Couples
Love depicted in film almost always gets a bad reputation for being unrealistic. You mean to tell me that there isn’t going to be a guy who writes love letters to me everyday for a year all with the high hopes of giving me a house made out of an entire forest he destroyed? Shit man, I guess I’m not going to have a guy who will appreciate my love for The Smithseither. If anything, my love life is like the movie American Psycho— a bloody mess.
Now whether you regard romantic movies in a positive or negative light, there is still much to be appreciated from what they have to offer. In a rare chance that the two actors exhibit great on-screen chemistry, magic can occur. And no, I’m not talking about the magic in Ron’s pants after he realized Hermione’s newly developed rack. Something more on the lines of…
15) Ethan Hawke and Winona Ryder in Reality Bites (1994)
“You see Lainy, this is all we need. A couple smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.”
14) James Dean and Natalie Wood in Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
“And the first thing, I saw you, and, uh, I said, ‘Boy, this is gonna be one terrific day, so you better live it up, because tomorrow you’ll be nothing.’ You see? And I almost was.”
13) Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club (1985)
“Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn’t I be outstanding in that capacity?”
12) Joseph Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love (1998)
“Tell me how you love her, Will.”
“Like a sickness and its cure together.”
11) Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo + Juliet (1996)
“If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”
10) Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
“It’s not everyday you find a girl who’ll flash someone to get you out of detention.”
9) Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not (1944)
“You know you don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything, and you don’t have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and… blow.”
8) Shane West and Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember (2002)
“Jamie has faith in me. She makes me want to be different, better.”
7) Dougray Scott and Drew Barrymore in Ever After (1998)
“I feel as if my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once.”
6) Dev Patel and Freida Pinto in Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
“I thought we’d be together only in death.”
5) Cary Elwes and Robin Wright in The Princess Bride (1987)
“That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying ‘As you wish,’ what he meant was, ‘I love you.’ And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.”
4) Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge! (2001)
“Then I’ll write a song and we’ll put it in the show and whenever you sing it or hear it. Or whistle or hum it then you’ll know. It’ll mean that we love one another.”
3) Matthew Macfadyen and Keira Knightley in Pride & Prejudice (2005)
“You must know… surely, you must know it was all for you.”
2) Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
“You want to empty your home, you want to empty your life, of Clementine.”
1) Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise (1995)
“Yeah, I know, I know. It’s just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That’s not based on any kind of reality.”
~Written by Elizabeth
The Top 20 Moments Brought to You by MTV
I remember one of my teachers in high school recalled that her classmates and she had hurried home to see the music video debut of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on MTV during the 1980s. I can’t think of anything that powerful that could make teenagers react that way today. Maybe if Betty White did a naked duet with Kanye West. Or is that just me who wants to see that?
In order to fully understand the magnitude of MTV, it’s necessary to discuss the history of the constantly evolving Music Television… which it doesn’t even go by anymore. I can’t believe I almost wrote a whole introduction without making a dickish snide comment about how MTV doesn’t even play music anymore, but we’ll get to that later.
—Some History Behind MTV—
Before we get to the really crazy shenanigans, I need to give a quick lecture on MTV 101. MTV evolved the way it did because it gave its target audience what they wanted. In the 1980s, people wanted music videos. In the early ’90s, bands were appreciated for being raw and edgy, and in the later ’90s, materialism was back like never before. Oh, and the audience wants boobs. Never forget that boobs is always the answer.
1981: “Video Killed the Radio Star”
(to the tune of the song) I heard that wearing these indoors makes me look like a douche.
Unless you’re a total music aficionado, the song “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles means absolutely nothing to you. The only thing I know about the song is that when it came on the radio a week ago, my roommates and I cringed at how terrible of a song it was. Turns out, it was the first music video aired on MTV. They were apparently going for the sly approach of not setting the bar too high.
1989: Premiere of MTV Unplugged
Why yes, I purposely chose the most derpy picture of Dave Grohl in his turtleneck.
After a decade’s worth of high-priced music videos featuring flashy effects and loads of hot babes, a resurgence of folk music in the late ’80s caused popular bands of the time to grab their acoustic guitars for a more stripped-down approach to music. MTV decided to capitalize on this movement by creating MTV Unplugged, a series that showcased musicians acoustically performing in an intimate setting. The most popular of the shows would probably be the 1993 Nirvana performance, in which Dave Grohl looks really pissed off to be playing the drums softly. Or it could just be that ponytail/turtleneck combo of his.
1997: Boy Bands and Pop Princesses Unite
I can immediately bond with someone over how they answer the question Nsync or Backstreet Boys? The answer lies within the shape of my heart.
In the late ’90s, the slogan “Rock is dead” formed due to the obviously decreasing amounts of rock music videos being aired. Rock music fans simply weren’t buying music based off the materialistic suggestions dictated by the TV anymore. But do you know who was an eager consumer? That’s right, adolescent girls. Make that thousands of screaming adolescent girls.
Pop was bigger than ever before. With the Backstreet Boys being shirtless in the rain and Britney Spears dancing in a red leather jumpsuit, there was no stopping the inevitable force of thrusting and sexy face.
2004: Super Bowl XXXVIII
Justin Timberlake looks as though that was the first time he ever saw a boob in his life.
2004 was an unforgettable year in sports boob history. For some of us, that was the first time we had ever seen a boob flashed during a concert. What makes that boob moment so discussed about was that it wasn’t a fan in the crowd doing the flashing. It was Janet Jackson. On stage. With Justin Timberlake. Broadcasted for 90 million viewers. Star-shaped metal nipple. Okay, now I’m just throwing words out there.
Did I mention that MTV produced that Super Bowl’s halftime show?
2009: The Death of Michael Jackson
This is the pose I make in front of the mirror every time I try on an outift.
The chaos that ensued after the death of Michael Jackson was unpredictable. People were crying on the television and camping out with homemade signs to honor the life of Michael Jackson. 34% of evening newscasts were dedicated to specials about him. In other words, people flipped shit.
He even made such an impact on the music industry that MTV decided to do the unthinkable— they aired music videos on their main channel. After the news of his death, MTV broadcasted a marathon of The King of Pop’s music videos. A younger generation of MTV viewers could actually sit down in front of a TV and watch Macaulay Culkin dance to “Black or White.”
—WTF Is Happening on the Video Music Awards—
With the rising popularity of music videos being used as a form of artistic expression, MTV conceived the idea of an award ceremony to rival the Grammy Awards. The VMAs brought a slew of memorable moments, whether it was the performances or the clash of celebrity egos.
1984: Madonna performs Like A Virgin
Nothing says virgin quite like Madonna dry humping a stage.
Kick-starting the first ever Video Music Awards, Madonna danced on top of a cake while dressed as a scandalous bride. It didn’t help the fact that she rolled around on the floor and sang her hit song, “Like A Virgin,” either. Comparing the performance to modern ones makes it seem really tame, but for the ’80s, it was a provocative moment that catapulted MTV to be what it is today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFiwFKDyp8A.
1992: Eddie Vedder snubs the VMAs
The very definition of “sexy angry face.”
I love Pearl Jam more than fine dining and breathing. When I received a biographical book about Pearl Jam titled Five Against One, I read about how crazy the 1992 Video Music Awards were. Basically, MTV officials thought they could take the same approach with these so-called “grunge” bands as they could with any other popular acts. Little did they know, bands like Pearl Jam weren’t really up for their shit.
What appeared to be an enraged performance of the song “Jeremy” was actually just Eddie Vedder being really pissed off that he couldn’t cover “Sonic Reducer” by the Dead Boys. He even sang a snippet of these lyrics at the end of their song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL8ge4Y9kuI
1992: Krist Novelselic throws his guitar
If you’re going to fall down, might as well do it in style. Enter purple pants.
In similar fashion with Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain was also butthurt about MTV telling him that performing “Rape Me” would be a no-no. So when Cobain sang a couple of lines of “Rape Me” as a giant middle finger to MTV before leading into the more approved “Lithium,” you would think that would be the biggest controversy in Nirvana’s performance. Nope.
What turned out to be the most memorable moment of that song was when Krist Novelselic became so frustrated by his amp malfunctioning that he threw his bass guitar in the air only to have his forehead be the landing spot for his guitar. After Nirvana, Krist became involved in politics, which makes me hope that he throws other candidates up in the air in similar fashion.
1992: Kurt Cobain vs. Axl Rose
If you imagine that the blonde-haired bully from The Karate Kid was in a famous ’80s hard rock band, you’d have the douche lord that is Axl Rose.
Before the show even began, Kurt Cobain, his bandmates, and his festering turd of a wife Courtney Love decided that instigating Axl Rose would be a good use of their free time while backstage. Axl Rose responded by challenging Cobain to a fight. Sources are not clear whether or not his intent was a good old-fashioned brawl or a game of Twister.
Nirvana retaliated when drummer Dave Grohl shouted “Hi Axl! Where’s Axl?” into Kurt’s microphone after their performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAx16F7Sg70. Kurt Cobain went for the sneaky approach of spitting on the keys of what he thought was Axl Rose’s paino for “November Rain.” Turns out Elton John was using that piano instead.
1994: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley Gross Out Everyone
Michael Jackson married Elvis’s daughter, and in an attempt to show his affection, he kissed her by engulfing her face with the entire dorsal side of his body. I used a term from anatomy class to describe a kiss. It was that weird.
1995: Courtney Love Being Courtney Love
Courtney Love’s natural state is to be intoxicated and on the ground pretending she’s speaking to Madonna.
Madonna was innocently enough giving a post-interview to Kurt Loder when a tornado touched ground. That tornado’s name was Courtney Love. In a belligerent fashion, Love took it upon herself to get Madonna’s attention by throwing a make-up compact inches away from Madonna’s head. She proceeded to interrupt the interview and made Madonna feel awkward. Read that again: a popstar who felt secure with wearing cones over her tits for millions of fans to see… felt awkward in an interview.
1999: Diana Ross feels up Lil’ Kim
There is no paragraph to explain this one. Diana Ross reached over and grabbed Lil’ Kim’s not so little tit. Because she felt like it.
2003: Britney Spears and Madonna Kiss
Please tell me someday that the gay version of this will happen with Elton John jumping out of a cake and kissing Justin Bieber.
During the 2003 Video Music Awards, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera wore ripped wedding dresses and danced on a giant cake (if this sounds familiar, then goodie you were actually reading words up until this point). The audience was treated to Madonna appearing in a groom outfit as she caressed her pantless wives. At the end of the “Like a Virgin” routine, Madonna planted a huge kiss on Britney’s and Christina’s lips. The next day, the media was in a frenzy about Britney and Madonna, confirming the fact that nobody gives a shit about Christina Aguilera.
2009: Kanye West Makes Douchebag History
It’s okay everyone. I’m sure Taylor Swift got a few sympathy dates for what she went through. 34989480 dates to be exact.
When country pop artist Taylor Swift heard the news she had won Best Female Video for “You Belong With Me,” she did all her best fake surprise looks she could muster and approached the stage to take her trophy. With all Swift bashing aside, she was receiving her first VMA award, so it was a special moment for her. Kanye West didn’t feel her moment was anything worthwhile. During Swift’s speech, Kanye grabbed her microphone and stated, “Yo Tay, I’m really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” Taylor Swift stood there awkwardly because what else are you suppose to do in a situation where you were handed a blunt object that could have been used to silence a person fo—- okay I’m done.
—The Reality TV Era—
There are really only two things you can blame for the absence of music videos on MTV: yourself and the internet. Why have a channel dedicated to music videos when internet users can look up videos on Youtube to their heart’s content? Also, when reality shows like The Real World first aired, you can blame people for watching it nonstop, thus creating a domino effect of reality television mania.
2000: Jackass
Hey man, I created a really great stunt. How about a sledgehammer to the balls? I wrote it just for you.
Johnny Knoxville used to be a struggling writer, so naturally when he was pitching ideas for a new article, he came up with the idea of testing different self-defense devices on his own body. Knoxville filmed himself along with Wee-man and Steve-O being tasered and maced. Deciding that he could make these video clips into the concept of a whole TV show, Knoxville was offered a slot on MTV. The legacy of Jackass resulted in teenage boys ignoring the stunt disclaimers and performing them in their own backyard. Presumably those people on now on Tosh.0.
2002: The Osbournes
When there’s no captions for what Ozzy’s saying, it can only be interpreted as “shjfghkfdghjkfhgrifv jkdfgir jmdigir… SHARRRRRON.”
Ozzy Osbourne is best known as the former lead singer of the heavy metal band Black Sabbath. In 2002 he starred on a reality TV show to prove what a family man he was, but to no surprise he admitted later in an interview that he was, “stoned during the entire filming of The Osbournes.” The show featured his manager wife Sharon and his two teenagers whose favourite words were “BLEEP” and “BLEEEEEEEP you.” But don’t worry. I’m sure the guest on the show classed up the program…
Or not.
2003: Newlyweds— Let’s Figure Out if Jessica Simpson Has a Working Brain Cell
First came Socrates and then Plato. Now we have Jessica Simpson.
She was a naive pop star who was a minister’s daughter. He was in a boy band that everybody forgot about. Together Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey starred in a reality show about their new married life. Sounds like an awful idea to start off a marriage, so it makes sense that Jessica Simpson’s dad was the one to come up with it.
With that said, it’s easy to see where Jessica gets her intellect from, as shown in a scene where she was eating Chicken of the Sea tuna and asked her husband, “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish?” I can forgive you Jessica Simpson for not knowing what tuna tastes like, but I cannot forgive you for murdering “O Holy Night” on your Christmas album.
2003: Justin Timberlake Cries on Punk’d
Mommmeeeee, w-why is Kelso such a douche?
In 2003, Ashton Kutcher produced a prank show called Punk’d that instilled fear in the hearts of celebrities. Kutcher went hardcore when it came to tricking celebrities into believing they were a part of some dire situation. He pulled outrageous pranks on that show, such as making Zach Braff curse out a child and convincing Beyonce that she made a 50 ft tall Christmas tree fall down. However, the highlight of the show consisted of Justin Timberlake believing that his home was being seized because of unpaid taxes. Timberlake did what any man in that situation would do— he cried on the phone to his mom.
2007: Well, This Happened…
In case you forgot, this is an image from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. I’m still hurting too.
2012: Teen Mom 2
What do you mean “parole?” I live and breathe Ke$ha. MUST SEE KE$HA.
MTV had already stirred up controversy when they showcased herpes-infested orange people from Jersey who were trying to claim they were 100% Italian. Why not focus a series on the lives of teenage babycarriers to really make conservative parents cringe? This was known to the world as 16 & Pregnant. Of course, MTV couldn’t show teenage girls who wanted to just be good mothers, they had to cast the girls with the most unstable relationships and Jerry Springer-esque familes.
In a spin-off series Teen Mom 2, teen mom Jenelle doesn’t have the time to go to jail, not because of her duties as a mother, but because she wants to see Ke$ha in concert. You don’t understand, it’s Ke$ha: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEC11gYWIus.
~Written by Elizabeth
My Top 8 Guilty Pleasures
I don’t know if you’re someone who’s hyper aware of what you like when it comes to entertainment. Usually, the movie and songs that dominant our conversation consist of media that we know is socially acceptable. For instance, I could proclaim that I liked the movie Toy Story because it’s generally accepted as a great movie. But the minute I say things like, “Yeah, I know every line to The Nutty Professor and Sister Act 2 by heart,” people begin to wonder if I’m on crack (no, I do not actually know every line to those movies, and yes, I am indeed on crack).
What can be defined as a guilty pleasure? A lot of times, people think guilty pleasures are embarrassingly cheesy movie and songs that we feel too guilty to admit we like. When it comes to my “guilty pleasures” I’m not really embarrassed to admit them. For whatever the reason, some of these pleasures listed go a little bit against my general taste in entertainment, and others might make you think I wasn’t kidding about the crack comment.
8) Purple Rain
Prince taught me that if you aren’t wearing purple and ruffles while riding a motorcycle, then you’re doing it wrong.
When I placed Prince’s Purple Rain on the list, I’m not alluding to the album that’s rated as one of the best albums of all time. With top hits like, “When Doves Cry,” “Purple Rain,” and “I Would Die 4 U,” I think it’s safe to say that album is accepted as a successful work.
On the other hand, the movie that the Purple Rain soundtrack is based off of is not regarded quite as well. Often deemed as just a long-ass music video or a film that takes itself way too seriously, Purple Rain ain’t Academy Award level shit. The acting talent and plot line is mediocre at best, but I think it’s still an entertaining ’80s piece of pop culture. Try to tell me that when Prince has a mini meltdown, it isn’t one of the most unintentionally hilarious things ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuwSpKWg-1E
7) “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)”
This is the face of someone who made an album that sold 3 million copies. I’m done.
You might not know this, but once upon a time I was seven-years-old. What did my seven-year-old self listen to? Well, I was heavily into Aaron Carter and believed that despite our 6 year age difference we were bound to be married someday. And with lyrics like this, I can’t imagine why anyone could resist him:
I turned around
Another kid broke a lamp
(I hope they weren’t expensive)
They got them from France
But now I won’t sweat it
I’ll clean it up later
‘Cause there’s a honey over there
And I really wanna meet her
And not to mention, I blame Aaron Carter for the whole creepy-adults-loitering-around-kid-parties trend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0p3jn7ODuc
Aaron Carter: I didn’t put out flyers!
Creepy adult: WELL SOMEBODY DID!
6) Grease 2
If you haven’t started thinking I was bonkers, here’s a good point for you to be worried.
Enjoyed by viewers of all ages, Grease is the love story of a Greaser and a hot chick from Australia who’s suppose to be “uncool” until she littered her cigarette on the ground. Tell me about it, stud.
What you might not know or try to forget is that there was a Grease sequel starring an even hotter Michelle Pfeiffer. If you haven’t heard about it, let’s just say it has a 24% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If you are trying to forget about it, then you know it’s pretty bad. Grease 2 is terribly cheesy, but so what? The same can be said for the first Grease. I enjoy the film whenever it’s on TV and sing “Cool Rider” like nobody’s business (just so you know, I cannot actually sing, but I make up for this with massive amounts of hair flipping).
5) Flavor of Love & Rock of Love
Different celebrities. Similar skanks sharing their same strands of STDs. I just won the alliteration jackpot.
You’ve already had to picture me as a 7-year-old, so why not fast forward to my middle school years? Although I never had to deal with braces because screw orthodontists, I did have a very low moment in my life when I would come home from school and turn on the TV everyday. I had outgrown the ways of the Disney channel and wanted something more. I wanted vulgarity, cursing, and above all else, girls with inflatable tits. Note: this would be a good statement to put on my gravestone some day.
Then came Flavor of Love. Imagine the premise of The Bachelor, but add a cooky rapper and a bunch of hoochies with anger issues. This made for TV gold. Don’t believe me? The season 2 finale had over 7.5 million viewers. I like to think it had a lot of a viewers because it had witty intellectual humor.
Rock of Love was even better because rock n’ roll was added to that equation. “Rock n’ roll” for a reality show translates to an aged Brett Michaels, his arsenal of bandanas, and women who thought teased ’80s hair was still trendy. I stay in school so I don’t end up like those women.
4) Ke$ha
Give me a popstar who’s makeup looks like she had a quickie with a raven. Oh, there’s Ke$ha.
When Key-dollar-sign-ha entered the picture in 2009 with her single “Tik Tok,” I thought the integrity of music was at an all time low. What pissed me off about this new pop star was the fact that she didn’t even seem to be trying to hide that fact her lyrics were stupid and her voice was digitally altered. It was like Cher’s “Believe” times ten. I found myself too high and mighty to indulge myself in that autotune mess.
But then the singles “Your Love is My Drug” and “We R Who We R” were released, and I noticed myself belting out these songs while I was driving in my car. I started liking Ke$ha because her music was fun; I was actually choosing to listen to her music and genuinely enjoy myself while doing so. Although I still think “Tik Tok” is an asinine song, I will declare myself right now as a fan of Ke$ha. There, I said it. *subsequently evaporates into a giant pile of glitter*
3) “Dancing in the Street”
Fact: If you open your mouth a big as you can three times in front of a mirror, you will see the writhing reflections David Bowie and Mick Jagger appear.
First off, reading this will do you no good if you haven’t seen the music video, so watch it right now and come back in 3 minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G4jnaznUoQ.
What you witnessed may be the most WTF moment in music history. Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones and glam rocker David Bowie decided to make a duet together for Live Aid charity in 1985. The public was not prepared for the music video that would spawn from their new single.
Why the actual fuck is Mick Jagger wearing a green windbreaker? Why is David Bowie wearing a floral one-piece and a long ass trench coat? It can be assumed that whatever drugs they were on, the choreographer for the music video had triple the amount. The duo gallop through the streets and appear to want to eat each other’s faces off.
Why is it socially acceptable for people to grind on the dance floor, but it’s not cool to do this dance move? Huh?
Despite the ridicule this music video undergoes, I love it to pieces. You can’t help but feel immense joy when watching these two guys’ crazy antics. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I know every word to the song and hope that some day I can hold the passenger sitting in my car at gunpoint and force them to sing David Bowie’s part while I do my best Mick Jagger impression.
2) Laguna Beach & The Hills
That awkward moment when TV shows from the 1970s have more diversity that this.
Reality TV had never documented the lives of wealthy teenagers so vividly until 2004. The term “vividly” is used lightly because the show’s premise consisted of girls complaining about drama as the male teens looked blankly off into the sunset. There was no physical fights or even intense disputes. I kid you not, here’s a clip of the girls comparing guys to handbags: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N1YIYpAayg.
What bothered me about the show was that I knew fully well how stupid it was, but whenever a marathon would play, I couldn’t will myself to turn the channel. I would watch these incredibly boring people and be entertained from it. I vowed to never spend time on these people again.
Until, that is of course, a spin-off show called The Hills came about, and I became even more involved watching girls spend time with their douchebag boyfriends and cry about their problems. I’d like to say I’ve over that phase of my life, but upon researching for this blog, I’ve already wasted 30 minutes looking at episode clips on Youtube. Help me.
1) ABBA
That dude on the left is totally eye-fucking the camera.
When I was a child, I didn’t explore music too much because my parents were always the ones who chose what we got to listen in the car. My mom was particularly fond of her ABBA Gold CD that included the greatest hits from ABBA. What’s ABBA you say? Only the most bitchin’ Swedish pop group from 1972. Turning up the hits like “Dancing Queen,” “Mamma Mia,” and my personal favourite “Fernando,” ABBA could do no wrong (in the eyes of people who actually liked upbeat Europop music).
So how is this a guilty pleasure? Well, I’m basically saying that I like a disco group. Trying to be a bad ass but whipping out the fact that you like ABBA is just a no-no. Also, I can’t help but feel hatred for the musical Mamma Mia!. It made a whole new fan base who didn’t realize the humilating orgins of the music. Some people hear “Dancing Queen” and picture Meryl Streep, but I picture this and smile to myself:
1972. Swedish. Disco. Cat sweater. White overalls. They will all invade your dreams tonight, and you will never be able to wake up.
Even Mick Jagger and David Bowie are forever horrified.
Fuck this shit. I’m outta here.
~Written by Elizabeth
A Tribute to My Top 40 Girl Crushes
The term “girl crush” is best described on Urban Dictionary as:
Feelings of admiration and adoration, which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. A nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level.
Well Urban Dictionary, I define girl crush as a women whose collective attributes make me feel all tingly inside. It’s one thing to be a pretty face, but it’s another to have a personality, charisma, and the magical powers of the universe we girls have to offer. And boobs.
Often, those men’s magazines Top Damn-Look-At-Those-Titties-Oh-Wait-Women-Have-Faces-Too Lists consists of whoever is the most popular or most searched name on the internet; add a string bikini, and you have your “hottest chick of the year.” Hence why Oprah never makes the cut, and why Kate Upton seems to be considered the hottest thing since fast food.
Pictured: an American sex symbol doused in french fry grease with a paper bag covering her yeast infection.
I don’t know about you, but I like my chicks classy. Artsy and weird also wins points for me. Overall, these 40 women have that effect of, “Yeah, I’d so want to be her.” Or if you happen to be a dude reading this blog more like, “I want to *smear my dick all over her face.”
*Note: After of course, getting know to her and wining and dining her. Because we keep it classy on this blog.
40) Jane Fonda
39) Jodie Foster
38) Karen Elson
37) Portia De Rossi
36) Zoe Saldana
35) Mila Kunis
34) Sophia Myles
33) Karlie Kloss
32) Dita Von Teese
31) Diane Kruger
30) Daphne Groeneveld
29) Audrey Hepburn
28) Evan Rachel Wood
27) Kerry Washington
26) Liv Tyler
25) Grace Kelly
24) Helena Bonham Carter
23) Fan Bing Bing
22) Lana Del Rey
21) Scarlett Johansson
20) Olivia Wilde
19) Taylor Momsen
18) Natalie Dormer
17) Amber Heard
16) Rooney Mara
15) Yvonne Stahovski
14) Christina Hendricks
13) Sarah Bolger
12) Kate Moss
11) Fiona Apple
10) Marilyn Monroe
9) Milla Jovovich
8) Emilia Clarke
7) Alison Mosshart
6) Lauren Bacall
5) Jennifer Lawrence
4) Marion Cotillard
3) Winona Ryder
2) Kate Beckinsale
1) Charlize Theron
Seriously guys, look at her.
~Written by Elizabeth
The 15 Most Quotable Movies
I’ve noticed that when it comes to movies, certain one-liners and dialogue become an inescapable force. You may have never seen A Few Good Men, but I’ll bet you’ve heard the line, “You can’t handle the truth” many times. You don’t even have to be a Star Wars geek to know the line “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for” and “Han Solo, do me on Tatooine.” Wait, I think I’m getting that last quote confused with a dream of mine.
Anyways, instead of creating a generic list of the most quoted movies of all time (obviously that would be too predictable with movies like Star Wars, The Godfather, and Monty Python topping the list), I went for the more relatable approach. Which movie dialogue consists of the most quoted lines? I’m not talking about a movie with one famous line, I’m honoring the movies where the whole damn script is jammed packed full of memorable lines.
15) The Emperor’s New Grove (2000)
The only animated movie on the list might come as a bit of a surprise, but with its main character as a cocky Emperor voiced by David Spade, how could this movie not be worth quoting?
Kuzco: No touchy.
Kuzco: Boom, baby.
Yzma: I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box, and then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives… I’ll smash it with a hammer!
14) How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
When I was a kid, I loved this movie. Years later, I found out that people viewed it as one of the most hated movies of all time. You’ve got to be kidding me. I think Jim Carrey’s lines are unbelievably funny to say. The original movie only has that pompous narrator speaking the whole time.
Grinch: Max, fetch me my sedative.
Grinch: Hate hate hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely.
Augustus Maywho: You don’t have a chance with her. You’re eight-years-old, and you have a beard.
13) Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)
Fact: I like watching Lord of the Rings for the sole purpose of staring at Viggo Mortensen’s lovely face. Also, Liv Tyler is pretty slammin’ too. But let’s not forget all those quotes that have spawned countless memes and Youtube remixes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY.
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
Gollum: My PRECIOUS.
Legolas: They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard.
Seriously, people think Legolas is hot? Aragorn is hotter than a thousand suns.
12) The Big Lebowski (1998)
Part of what makes this script so successful is Jeff Bridges’s nonchalant portrayal of “The Dude.” Also, it has one of the best comebacks to an insult in movie history: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsogswrH6ck.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
Walter: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
11) The Dark Knight (2008)
We could chat endlessly about the perfection of the Joker’s showstopping lines, but let’s not forget the other bits of dialogue that make The Dark Knight a legendary movie.
Gordon: Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
The Joker: Let’s put a smile on that face!
Batman: (muffled booming voice) WHERE IS HE?
10) 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Why yes, Heath Ledger. How did you know I’ve thought about you naked? Especially in 10 Things I Hate About You, a flick loaded with witty quips and teenage angst.
Bianca: You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
Patrick: What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?
Kat: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
9) Zoolander (2001)
One of my favourite comedies because what’s funnier than the idiotic ramblings of an egotistical male model? Maybe gasoline fights with Wham! playing in the background. That’s pretty hysterical.
Derek: I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
Derek: Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?
Hansel: I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree.
8) Pulp Fiction (1994)
If Quentin Tarantino writes a script, you bet your ass it turns out solid gold. Samuel L. Jackson delivers some of the greatest lines in cinematic history as Jules in Pulp Fiction. He even makes quoting a Bible passage and talking about hamburgers look straight-up thug.
Jules: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I break your concentration?
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody really special. When you can shut the fuck up for just a minute and comfortably share silence.
7) Forrest Gump (1994)
Young Haley Joel Osment makes everybody’s heart instantly melt.
Oh, sorry. I’m suppose to write something about how this movie has memorable lines, but I spaced out thinking about how the ending makes me want to cry a river of tears.
Forrest: Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates: you never know what you’re gonna get.
Forrest: I’m not a smart man…but I know what love is.
Jenny: Run, Forrest! Run.
6) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
I’ll admit I haven’t seen Anchorman in it’s entirety, but I do, however, know every line thanks to Tumblr and friends. By the beard of Zeus, the lines are so unique.
Ron: It’s terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brian: 60% of the time, it works every time.
Brick: I love lamp.
5) Harry Potter (2001-2011)
Hey, I’m not just Harry Potter fangirling. If you examine the movies and books closely, there is some kick ass British dialogue that would make even Draco Malfoy himself cream his pants.
Dumbledore: Do not pity the dead Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.
Hagrid: Yer a wizard, Harry.
Ron: Bloody hell!
4) Love Actually (2003)
Here’s what I do during break: watch Love Actually with a large group of friends and resist quoting every word. It doesn’t have to be Christmas to spread the joy of one-liners from Love Actually. You’re not even required to have shagged Britney Spears to know that this film is not rubbish.
Sam: What could possibly be worse than the total agony of being in love?
Mark: To me, you are perfect.
Billy: Let’s get pissed and watch porn.
3) Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Who knows why this indie film became a huge pop culture hit. Maybe it’s because Napoleon’s voice is so easy to imitate. Maybe it’s because the dialogue is completely random. Or maybe it’s because I come home to Starla every night.
Napoleon: It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip.
Kip: Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day.
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
2) The Breakfast Club (1985)
What was hands down my favourite movie of all time and considered in my opinion to be John Hughes’s most poignant film remains to have a script that can relate to adolescents 30 years past its release. Instead of portraying teenagers as the vapid stereotypes, the script calls for wicked humor and emotional depth. *insert David Bowie quote*
John: Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
Principal Vernon: Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
1) Mean Girls (2004)
Come on, it had to be Mean Girls. If you say any line of this movie to a girl the ages of 14-30, she will instantly know that Gretchen Weiners hair is full of secrets and that joining Mathletes is social suicide. Oh, did I mention the screenplay was written by Tina Fey? You go, Tina Fey!
Regina: Get in loser, we’re going shopping.
Karen: There’s a 30% chance that it’s already raining!
Coach Carr: Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die!
~Written by Elizabeth
2012 Blog Spectacular: A Year in Review
Looking back at the year 2012, what will we remember? Our culture revolves around a cycle of music, movies, and internet memes. I’m not saying we don’t pay attention to the news, but pop culture tends to be quite an impressionable and inevitable part of life. Although riots happened in Egypt and a rover on landed Mars this year, I will remember 2012 as the year of Miley Cyrus looking like a mini Draco Malfoy, Taylor Swift’s lyrical content at an all time low, the never-ending images of Grumpy Cat, and someone’s face being eaten off by a crazed druggie.
With that said, here are the highlights of 2012…
January- Lana Del Rey
All bets were off when Lana Del Rey released her debut album Born to Die. Self-described as a “gangster Nancy Sinatra,” Lana captivated her fans with her classic ’60s looks and sultry voice. Her music video for “Video Games” went viral, and her stardom has pretty much escalated since that moment. The thing is though, she’s a bit of a mystery. It doesn’t appear that she follows the general mold for a pop star, yet the public is fascinated with her. How does a singer go from living in a trailer park to serenading her millions of fans about her Pepsi-flavored lady bits? The world may never know.
What a surprise that I didn’t include the GIF of Lana spinning around.
February- “Call Me Maybe”
February 22, 2012 marked the day our lives would change forever. A single titled “Call Me Maybe” was released by Canadian Idol contestant Carly Rae Jepsen (probably to get even at America for the ever so cheesy Clay Aiken).
The moment that the catchy song is played, it will be stuck in your head for a lifetime. 5 years from now, you will be all alone at a gas station, this song will come on, and you’ll still know every word. The music video also helps ingrain “Call Me Maybe” into your skull by depicting a 14-year-old girl fawning over a shirtless guy while she’s clutching paperback romance novels. What a minute…
Holy monkey balls, that girl is 27-years-old. A twist not even M. Night Shamalama-Ding-Dong could predict.
March- The Hunger Games
Nothing will replace the magic of Harry Potter. As much as various entertainment channels (I’m looking at you, E! news) and websites want to say the Twilight series is an action-thrilled experience, it’s basically a hormone fest for adolescent girls and their moms.
Effie Trinkett: Who gets to sleep with Lenny Kravitz?
Me (screaming): I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!
Then comes The Hunger Games. Although the film didn’t hold a candle to certain aspects of the book, it certainly made most fans pleased to see the ensemble cast of kiddos duke it out (and by “duke it out” I mean maliciously kill one another). It’s pretty similar to a decade-old movie called Battle Royale. Think Japanese, so more kids and gruesome killings. Whether you think of The Hunger Games as another young adult franchise, as a mere shadow of the book, or as a shameless rip-off of Battle Royale, you will undoubtedly hear people yelling, “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!” for a long time.
April- Ridiculously Photogenic Guy
I spy… a majestic unicorn.
I’ve heard that it’s hard to look good while running. I wouldn’t know because the last time I ran fast, I was trying to track down a street-performing violinist in Chicago. I wish that statement was an exaggeration; it’s not.
Anyways, I can barely look decent in a candid shot while standing. I know some of you feel the same way. That’s why Ridiculously Photogenic Guy became such a huge sensation. He’s running a marathon and looks like he could be modeling athletic clothes for Dick’s. I picked Dick’s because it obviously sounds more plausible and lawl worthy than Gander Mountain.
May- The Avengers
My ovaries just exploded. Here’s a visual of that: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mezc2eopws1r26zuq.gif
Let’s be honest. The most anticipated superhero movie of 2012 was not The Avengers; it was The Dark Knight Rises. Alas, I had my doubts. I’d seen Thor and Captain America, and while those films were entertaining at best, they weren’t any special. Basically, I wasn’t expecting much from The Avengers.
But oh, I was completely blown away. The chemistry between the ensemble of superheroes was something that made my inner geek tingle. Every audience member from the age of 5 to 78 was entertained throughout the whole movie. No action scene felt senseless.
The one critique that I see common amongst negative reviews is that it was “cheesy” or “campy.” Honestly, have those people seen George Clooney’s batnipples? I think The Avengers was the first superhero movie to pull off comedy successfully without degrading the integrity of the characters.
Pictured above: no integrity.
June- “Gold on the Ceiling”
Let’s name our album El Camino, but put a Plymouth on the cover. That will win our hipster fans over. We’re being all, like, ironic and shit.
Day one of summer: This song is pretty catchy. I like it!
Day 23 of summer: I’ve heard this song everyday, yet still I want more.
Day 30 of summer: THEY WANNA GET MY…
End of summer: I’ve started hallucinating about actual gold on the ceiling.
If you didn’t grasp the concept, “Gold on the Ceiling” is a stellar song.
July- The Dark Knight Rises
After The Dark Knight’s critical and commercial success, fans hibernated to the internet discussion boards to await The Dark Knight Rises. In hindsight, it was doomed from the start. People were expecting too much. I wanted a sing-along featuring Gary Oldman and a strip-tease from Joseph Gordon Levitt, but did that happen? Noooo.
It’s wasn’t Christopher Nolan or the cast that depleted the movie. I blame public scrutiny. When I took my little brother to see it on opening day, I left the movie entertained and satisfied. Then after reading various articles on the internet, I realized what a plot hole disease of a movie it actually was. People picked apart this movie like it should have been Citizen Kane.
Do I need to put the picture of George Clooney’s batnipples again? Before Christopher Nolan’s adaptations, superhero movies had little merit. The Dark Knight Rises is still loads better than a lot of action movies.
Okay well this scene sucked. But remember Bane’s voice? That was pretty cool.
Contrary to majority belief, there are fans who think The Dark Knight Rises is better than The Dark Knight. When you think about it, The Dark Knight is the Joker show. I find myself getting bored during scenes without the Joker in them because I didn’t really care about the characters. Same goes for The Dark Knight Rises. I found myself only caring about Alfred’s endearing tears, so Gotham could have easily burned in the end and that would have been okay with me. I smell future directing material right here.
August- McKayla Maroney Is Not Impressed
When the 2012 Summer Olympics in London hit, it was the first time I got Olympic fever. I guess in 2008, I must have been 15 years-old and not giving a shit. Speaking of not giving a shit, whoever created the logo for London 2012 really dropped the ball.
Best internet comment: It looks like Lisa Simpson giving fellatio. Wait for it… now you’ll never stop seeing it.
If I were to close my eyes and picture one image that summed up the Olympics, it wouldn’t be that logo. It wouldn’t even be Michael Phelps in a speedo. Maybe Ryan Lochte’s douche grill comes to mind; however, the most iconic image from the Olympics this year was brought by none other than adorable gymnast McKayla Maroney.
Maybe she was looking at the Olympics logo for the first time…
I remember looking at the USA Women’s Gymnastics team and thinking McKayla Maroney had a slammin’ face. Then, I remembered she was only 16-years-old and that I sounded vaguely like a pedo. I also recall that her vault performance for the overall team competition was one of the most flawless things I’ve ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CidU2e7AOOw. However, she was underwhelmed by the individual competition when she fell and got second place. When the Russians received second place, they sat on the benches and cried. When McKayla Maroney received second place, her unimpressed face became a meme. Another victory for America.
September- Return of No Doubt
Get, get, get… in my pants Gwen Stefani.
No Doubt is a band that practically screams cool. Formed in 1986, their ska sound attributed to their hip factor. When Tragic Kingdom made the band a mainstream success, No Doubt had buttloads fans to please. In 2001, they released their 5th album, and after touring Gwen Stefani embarked on her solo career.
Those buttloads of No Doubt fans had to wait 11 grueling years for them to come out with an album. Push and Shove was released on September 25, 2012. Even though it received mixed reviews, my two thumbs are up, and my hands are all over Gwen Stefani (in my dreams).
October- “Gangam Style” explodes
I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was an innocent, naive girl who had never been exposed to the world of Korean pop. My roommates on a warm August day told me about this dance they had to teach me. This dance was none other than the dance from the “Gangnam Style” music video.
Footage of Koreans during their mating ritual.
Over just a couple of months, this unknown guy by the name of Psy takes over American radio stations with his catchy song, “Gangnam Style.” By the time October hits, he’s a household name and even has a sketch dedicated to him on Saturday Night Live. Even senior citizens and President Barack Obama know the dance.
10 years from now, I will be pissed drunk at some poor soul’s wedding, and I will be coerced to dance again and again to “Gangnam Style.” And by coerced, I mean I will be requesting it nonstop.
November- The Election
Oh wait, is that Lana Del Rey spinning around? I couldn’t resist.
Now if you know anything about me, I tend to stay far, far away from politics on the internet. Actually, I don’t really like to talk about politics in general. It’s not that I think it’s unimportant, it’s just not my thing. GIFs of cats, however, is totally my shit.
So I’m going to take a different approach to discussing the election of 2012. For obvious reasons, the election is an important part of our American culture, but what did the election mean for the people in 2012? It meant that social media was at an all time crazy fest. You couldn’t go anywhere on the internet without someone purging their hate for either candidate. Nothing was safe. *whispers for dramatic effect* Nothiiiinng.
The Election meant something different for each and every one of us, but for me it showed me the power of internet propaganda and that most people don’t bother to fact check. Also, this happened:
What if I told you Josh Romney is hiding in your closet right now?
December- 12-12-12: The Concert for Sandy Relief
On December 12, 2012, a benefit concert was put together to raise money to aid the victims and to repair the damages created by Hurricane Sandy. Various artists performed that night including Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Eric Clapton, The Rolling Stones, Alicia Keys, The Who, and Kanye West. The most anticipated performance was Paul McCartney with surviving members of Nirvana— Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, and Pat Smear. It’s kind of a big fucking deal for Nirvana fans, considering the three of them hadn’t performed together in 18 years. Also, Krist Novoselic’s green pants and patterned purple shirt combination was entertaining enough.
But for me, the end of the year was nicely highlighted by Roger Waters of Pink Floyd performing “Comfortably Numb” with Eddie Vedder. Let’s all say a vow to make 2013 about hand holding, shall we?
*sounds of me sobbing quietly at my laptop*
~Written by Elizabeth
The Best and Worst Movie Posters of 2012
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of terrible Photoshop jobs and poorly conceived designs when it comes to movie posters. As consumers, we see these images plastered on the theater walls and all over the internet (quite like those topless photos of Scarlett Johansson). Movie posters can be incredibly effective, but on the other hand, they can be downright laughable. Here are the winners and clunkers of 2012…
Best: Action Movie Posters
The Dark Knight Rises: Keeping it classic with Christian Bale’s rippling abs and the iconic bat symbol on FIRE. Deh-shay, deh-shay bah-sah-rah, bah-sah-rah.
And yes, I actually googled the lyrics to Bane’s Chant.
Django Unchained: By showcasing three of the most talented actors looking bad ass in black and white and emphasizing the blood and the red word “Django,” you know this shit is going deliver in terms of Quentin Tarantino violence.
The Hobbit: Fans of the series are already familiar with all the characters, so the poster delivers in the mystery of what stunning visuals Peter Jackson plans on unveiling.
Worst: Action Movie Posters
John Carter: Arguably, one of the stupidest films Disney has ever produced, and the poster looks like a cheap video game cover. The tagline should have read, “John Carter must die.”
The Avengers: Although it was the highest grossing film of the summer, the poster had some of the cheapest-looking Photoshop edits. Captain ‘Murica looks way too tall.
The Bourne Legacy: In attempts to do something different, whoever created this poster made this fake Jason Bourne look like he has split personality disorder or really bad blinds for his windows.
Best: Drama Posters
End of Watch: People could argue with me and say that Jake Gyllenhaal’s lip biting looks dumb, but I think it highlights the spur of the moment intensity.
It’s a breath of fresh air that a movie poster doesn’t look posed.
Lincoln: This poster brings the element of simplicity— Daniel-Day Lewis and the word “Lincoln.” That’s all you need for movie magic. Plus, magic in my pants.
Les Miserables: This poster keeps the traditional image associated with Les Miz but with a modern twist on it. Just what theatre geeks want to see.
Worst: Drama Posters
People Like Us: When I saw the poster for this movie, I about choked. Look at all the quintessential white people smiling in front of a green landscape! It’s like a fucking ad for Colgate toothpaste.
Gone: The poster indicates that the movie is about a mysterious woman who swallows Amanda Seyfried’s floating head, who just so happens have a tiny black dude on her shoulder. Why would this get a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes?
Silver Linings Playbook: Although the movie has received much critical acclaim, it wasn’t for the poster. Now, it may be my OCD making me think this poster is—HOLY SHIT, WHY AREN’T THEIR FACES LINED UP? DEAR GOD, SAVE US ALL.
Best: Comedy Posters
I don’t know who makes the movie posters for comedies, but trying to find a decent comedy poster is like trying to find a place on Lindsay Lohan’s body that doesn’t have freckles or cocaine.
Gayby: Pretty simple concept. A gay man and a straight women in the sheets. How saucy.
Project X: I give this movie poster props because unlike many comedies, there’s no celebrity faces to entice people with. Why not show a guy face first in the ground?
The Campaign: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis get in each other’s faces. A blunt approach that gives audience members a clear indication of what kind of comedy they’re paying for.
Worst: Comedy Posters
The Bachelorette: Forget 2012. This may be one of the worst move posters of all time. The floating dollar bills add to the idiocy of the image.
Magic Mike: Another poster about strippers. Why did women flock to see this movie? Shirtless men. They should have capitalized on the buff dudes and gotten ride of the cheap looking giant title.
Pitch Perfect: Not necessary a bad poster, but it does look like a cheesy rip-off of the Bridesmaids poster. Not cool.
Best: Family Movie Posters
Frankenweenie: A throwback to the black & white horror movies by focusing on the cutest undead dog I’ve ever seen.
The Old Life of Timothy Green: I thought this movie looked incredibly dumb, but the poster is simplistic and adds the element of mystery. Is this boy a plant or is he a blatantly obvious stoner?
Brave: Although a disappointing film by Pixar standards, the poster capitalizes on the strong points of the movie— good visuals, crazy ginger hair, and that fact it’s set in Scotland.
Worst: Family Movie Posters
Cowgirls and Angels: The old man’s expression may be one of the creepiest things ever and his floating face behind an innocent cowgirl doesn’t help.
Mirror, Mirror: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the most unrealistic Photoshop job of them all? Hint, it’s Julia Robert’s wrinkle-free face.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island: Surprisingly, the giant lizard is the least corniest thing on the poster. Not even Vanessa Hudgens’ Baywatch-style running can save this poster.
Best: Romance Posters
The Five-Year Engagement: Jason Segel and Emily Blunt striking a casual pose. It’s endearing and engaging. Get it? Engaging. Har har har.
The Vow: When in doubt, just put Rachel McAdams’s beautiful face on everything. Boners unite.
Ruby Sparks: Probably my favourite movie poster of 2012. She’s coming alive out of the fucking text. That’s some cool shit.
Worst: Romance Posters
Anna Karenina: Watch this romantic period film in which Keira Knightley falls in love with a chandelier. And pretty snow falls.
This Means War: The poster gives the impression that every man in Reese Witherspoon’s life will hold her at gun point. The movie also makes critics want to do the same.
Wild Horse, Wild Ride: Okay, I’m just trolling you. This is not actually a movie about a romance between a man and his horse. But the title and the poster kind of give it that impression.
~Written by Elizabeth
The 15 Movies with the Best Cinematography
I remember sitting in theaters watching the preview for The Tree of Life and thinking to myself, “This Brad Pitt movie looks confusing as balls, but at least the cinematography is unbelievable.”
Then, I had a revelation that I favor movies that have great cinematography. I know I tend to throw around the word “cinematography” a lot, so in easy terms for people who aren’t avid film fanatics to understand, cinematography basically means Holy shit. The art techniques and creative elements in this film are so beautiful that I have completely splodged my pants. Without further adieu, here’s a list of films I can think of that are visually stunning.
15) American Beauty (1999)
” I feel like I’ve been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I’m just now waking up.”
14) Inglourious Basterds (2009)
“You probably heard we ain’t in the prisoner-takin’ business; we in the killin’ Nazi business.”
13) (500) Days of Summer (2009)
“I love how she makes me feel, like anything’s possible, or like life is worth it.”
12) Lost in Translation (2003)
“You’ll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”
11) Pleasantville (1998)
“Now, it seems to me that the first thing we have to do is to separate out the things that are pleasant from the things that are unpleasant.”
10) Gone with the Wind (1939)
“If I said I was madly in love with you, you’d know I was lying”
9) Big Fish (2003)
” Now I may not have much, but I have more determination then any man you’re ever likely to meet.”
8) A Single Man (2009)
“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think…”
7) Black Swan (2010)
“You could be brilliant, but you’re a coward.”
6) Submarine (2010)
“My mother is worried I have mental problems. I found a book about teenage paranoid delusions during a routine search of my parents’ bedroom.”
5) The Fall (2006)
“What a mystery this world, one day you love them and the next day you want to kill them a thousand times over.”
4) Bright Star (2009)
“I had such a dream last night. I was floating above the trees with my lips connected to those of a beautiful figure, for what seemed like an age.”
3) Amélie (2001)
“You mean she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person than build relationships with those around her?”
2) Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind (2004)
“What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she’s a stranger.”
1) Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
“You’re getting older, and you’ll see that life isn’t like your fairy tales. The world is a cruel place.”
Someone could argue I’m bias because Pan’s Labyrinth happens to be my favourite movie. Well, my response to that:
~Written by Elizabeth
You may know me as the former guitarist for the heavy metal band Slayer. Also, you may remember me as Uncle Jesse's mullet from the TV show Full House. Nowadays, I stare longingly out the window, reminiscing on the days Lindsay Lohan used to be attractive.
